'The Flares of Cirith Ungol'

(a.k.a BagEnders: Voyager)

Part A

Disclaimer: Again, we are unable to leave Star Trek alone which is how this episode came to be written (see A Brief Explanation below), which means that Tolkien and Gene Roddenberry are probably revolving in sync in their respective graves over this one.

A Brief Explanation: All right, here’s how it is. We write most of PseudoBagEnders over Gmail Chat, so most of it gets mixed up with conversation, and well, y’know how these things happen, we’ve been referring to PBE as BagEnders: The Next Generation between ourselves for a while now, seeing as BagEnders was The Original Series. Which led, naturally and by simple, logical steps to us wondering what on earth BagEnders: Voyager would be like. And this is what we ended up with. If anyone has great ideas for BagEnders: Deep Space Nine or BagEnders: Enterprise, feel free to bombard us with ideas. Who knows, they may get written.


( Part the Twentieth )

 ‘Journey to the Cotswolds’

Part D

This episode is dedicated to Bridget’s Dad, our Military Attaché and Advisor in all things Pointy, Armoured and Historical. We are forever in your debt, because now we know what they call those metal curtains that mediæval horses wore. Despite its inspirational role, however, ‘Cotswold Privies’ has left us somewhat disturbed by your literary tastes.

We are currently building fortifications to hold out the following people: Tolkien’s immortal spirit, and the executors of his estate; Pam St. Clement; tandem cycling aficionados; French revolutionaries or their descendants; Boudicca; Lancashire; the Lake District and most of Ye Olde Britain and Scotland, including Lanarkshire; Alex James; Men’s Weightlifting enthusiasts, in fact, enthusiasts of anything and everything, as we have ended up lampooning enthusiasts rather a lot; legitimate maids and cleaning agencies; Beirut; Tel Aviv; Slough; Patrick Stewart, again (we just can’t leave that man alone); people who still sing ‘Daisy, Daisy’ at their children (we beg you, stop at once. After writing this we both had the song stuck in our brains); Historical Recreation Societies; people who joust. The female Historical Recreater is in fact based very heavily (we would even go so far as to say literally) on a very skinny woman Trojie saw at the World Jousting Championships this year (held for some obscure reason in Harcourt Park in the Hutt) attempting to hold off several large moustachioed men with armour and swords, with nothing but a spear and a tabard. Unsurprisingly she was first ‘killed’ in the melee. Which she richly deserved for being daft enough to be in the melee thus armed in the first place.

And last but not least, the Cotswolds. We’re really, really sorry.

Really.

‘Journey to the Cotswolds’

Part C

This episode is dedicated to Bridget’s Dad, our Military Attaché and Advisor in all things Pointy, Armoured and Historical. We are forever in your debt, because now we know what they call those metal curtains that mediæval horses wore. Despite its inspirational role, however, ‘Cotswold Privies’ has left us somewhat disturbed by your literary tastes.

We are currently building fortifications to hold out the following people: Tolkien’s immortal spirit, and the executors of his estate; Pam St. Clement; tandem cycling aficionados; French revolutionaries or their descendants; Boudicca, Lancashire, the Lake District and most of Ye Olde Britain and Scotland, including Lanarkshire; Men’s Weightlifting enthusiasts, in fact, enthusiasts of anything and everything, as we have ended up lampooning enthusiasts rather a lot; legitimate maids and cleaning agencies; Beirut; Tel Aviv; Slough; Patrick Stewart, again (we just can’t leave that man alone); people who still sing ‘Daisy, Daisy’ at their children (we beg you, stop at once. After writing this we both had the song stuck in our brains); Historical Recreation Societies; people who joust. The female Historical Recreater is in fact based very heavily (we would even go so far as to say literally) on a very skinny woman Trojie saw at the World Jousting Championships this year (held for some obscure reason in Harcourt Park in the Hutt) attempting to hold off several large moustachioed men with armour and swords, with nothing but a spear and a tabard. Unsurprisingly she was first ‘killed’ in the melee. Which she richly deserved for being daft enough to be in the melee thus armed in the first place.

And last but not least, the Cotswolds. We’re really, really sorry.

Really.

 

‘Journey to the Cotswolds'

Part B

This episode is dedicated to Bridget’s Dad, our Military Attaché and Advisor in all things Pointy, Armoured and Historical. We are forever in your debt, because now we know what they call those metal curtains that mediæval horses wore. Despite its inspirational role, however, ‘Cotswold Privies’ has left us somewhat disturbed by your literary tastes.

We are currently building fortifications to hold out the following people: Tolkien’s immortal spirit, and the executors of his estate; Pam St. Clement; tandem cycling aficionados; French revolutionaries or their descendants; Boudicca, Lancashire, the Lake District and most of Ye Olde Britain and Scotland, including Lanarkshire; Men’s Weightlifting enthusiasts, in fact, enthusiasts of anything and everything, as we have ended up lampooning enthusiasts rather a lot; legitimate maids and cleaning agencies; Beirut; Tel Aviv; Slough; Patrick Stewart, again (we just can’t leave that man alone); people who still sing ‘Daisy, Daisy’ at their children (we beg you, stop at once. After writing this we both had the song stuck in our brains); Historical Recreation Societies; people who joust.

And last but not least, the Cotswolds. We’re really, really sorry.

Really.

‘Journey to the Cotswolds’

Part A

This episode is dedicated to Bridget’s Dad, our Military Attaché and Advisor in all things Pointy, Armoured and Historical. We are forever in your debt, because now we know what they call those metal curtains that mediæval horses wore.

We are currently building fortifications to hold out the following people: Tolkien’s immortal spirit, and the executors of his estate; Pam St. Clement; tandem cycling aficionados; French revolutionaries or their descendants; Boudicca, Lancashire, the Lake District and most of Ye Olde Britain and Scotland, including Lanarkshire; Men’s Weightlifting enthusiasts, in fact, enthusiasts of anything and everything, as we have ended up lampooning enthusiasts rather a lot; legitimate maids and cleaning agencies; Beirut; Tel Aviv; Slough; Patrick Stewart, again (we just can’t leave that man alone); people who still sing ‘Daisy, Daisy’ at their children (we beg you, stop at once. After writing this we both had the song stuck in our brains); Historical Recreation Societies; bus companies; Terry Pratchett, again; people who joust.

And last but not least, the Cotswolds. We’re really, really sorry.

Really.

 

‘The Forbidden Tennant’

Part D

 

Disclaimer: We are going to get shot by the crossover police one day.

Our corpses will then be mutilated by the following, in no particular order: JRR Tolkien; Alfred Lord Douglas; David Tennant; the BBC; MI6; Jonathan Frakes; Lady Alyssa; Russell T. Davies; Monty Python; George Lucas; Random Dent; Tom Baker; the Christian Church; Gene Roddenberry; Chewbacca; Terry Pratchett; Marina Sirtis; the Chelsea Flower Show; Tim Russ; JK Rowling; Gates McFadden; Kate Atkinson; France; John Barrowman; the bloke who played Doctor Bashir and whose name currently escapes us; the Conservative Party; Catherine the Great; Richard the Lionheart; Rasputin; Toulouse Lautrec; Emmeline Pankhurst; Mel Gibson; Nixon; and our own imaginations.

'The Forbidden Tennant'

Part  C

 

Disclaimer: We are going to get shot by the crossover police one day.

Our corpses will then be mutilated by the following, in no particular order: JRR Tolkien; Alfred Lord Douglas; David Tennant; the BBC; MI6; Jonathan Frakes; Lady Alyssa; Russel T. Davies; Monty Python; George Lucas; Random Dent; Tom Baker; the Christian Church; Gene Roddenberry; Chewbacca; Terry Pratchett; Marina Sirtis; the Chelsea Flower Show; Tim Russ; JK Rowling; Gates McFadden; Kate Atkinson; France; John Barrowman; the bloke who played Doctor Bashir and whose name currently escapes us; the Conservative Party; and our own imaginations.

 

'The Forbidden Tennant'

Part B

 

Disclaimer: We are going to get shot by the crossover police one day.

Our corpses will then be mutilated by the following, in no particular order: JRR Tolkien; Alfred Lord Douglas; David Tennant; the BBC; MI6; Jonathan Frakes; Lady Alyssa; Russel T. Davies; Monty Python; George Lucas; Random Dent; Tom Baker; the Christian Church; Gene Roddenberry; Chewbacca; Terry Pratchett; Marina Sirtis; the Chelsea Flower Show; Tim Russ; JK Rowling; Gates McFadden; Kate Atkinson; France; John Barrowman; the bloke who played Doctor Bashir and whose name currently escapes us; and our own imaginations.

 

 

 

( Part the Thirteenth )</div>

'The Forbidden Tennant'

Part A

 

Disclaimer: We are going to get shot by the crossover police one day.

Our corpses will then be mutilated by the following, in no particular order: JRR Tolkien; Alfred Lord Douglas; David Tennant; the BBC; MI6; Jonathan Frakes; Lady Alyssa; Russel T. Davies; Monty Python; George Lucas; Random Dent; Tom Baker; the Christian Church; Gene Roddenberry; Chewbacca; Terry Pratchett; Marina Sirtis; the Chelsea Flower Show; Tim Russ; JK Rowling; Gates McFadden; Kate Atkinson; France; John Barrowman; the bloke who played Doctor Bashir and whose name currently escapes us; and our own imaginations.

‘The Paternity Suit on the West’

Part C

 

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, except for Dave, who is owned by Lady Alyssa and Random Dent, whom we are sure never envisaged such a future for him. We may even have to give him his own spin-off, a la ‘Joey’. We could call it . . . uh, ‘Dave’?

Wagner owns himself and all his music, and we take no responsibility for the behaviour of large sopranos at opera after-parties. If anyone after reading this finds their flat plagued by ‘BOING!’ noises at high volume, we take no responsibility for this either. In fact we absolve ourselves of responsibility for anything and everything, being the weasels that we are.

This episode was written whilst Trojie was trying to write a thesis, and thus to get any writing done Bridget had to be up and on MSN at about two am her time, so all credit for this one at least belongs to her for prodding Trojie into it.

More soon, involving David Tennant, we hope. Well, Bridget hopes. Trojie has less fascination with Dr. Who in the nud.

‘The Paternity Suit on the West’

Part B

 

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, except for Dave, who is owned by Lady Alyssa and Random Dent, whom we are sure never envisaged such a future for him. We may even have to give him his own spin-off, a la ‘Joey’. We could call it . . . uh, ‘Dave’?

Wagner owns himself and all his music, and we take no responsibility for the behaviour of large sopranos at opera after-parties. If anyone after reading this finds their flat plagued by ‘BOING!’ noises at high volume, we take no responsibility for this either. In fact we absolve ourselves of responsibility for anything and everything, being the weasels that we are.

This episode was written whilst Trojie was trying to write a thesis, and thus to get any writing done Bridget had to be up and on MSN at about two am her time, so all credit for this one at least belongs to her for prodding Trojie into it.

More soon, involving David Tennant, we hope. Well, Bridget hopes. Trojie has less fascination with Dr. Who in the nud.

‘The Paternity Suit on the West’

Part A

 

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, except for Dave, who is owned by Lady Alyssa and Random Dent, whom we are sure never envisaged such a future for him. We may even have to give him his own spin-off, a la ‘Joey’. We could call it . . . uh, ‘Dave’?

Wagner owns himself and all his music, and we take no responsibility for the behaviour of large sopranos at opera after-parties. If anyone after reading this finds their flat plagued by ‘BOING!’ noises at high volume, we take no responsibility for this either. In fact we absolve ourselves of responsibility for anything and everything, being the weasels that we are.

This episode was written whilst Trojie was trying to write a thesis, and thus to get any writing done Bridget had to be up and on MSN at about two am her time, so all credit for this one at least belongs to her for prodding Trojie into it.

More soon, involving David Tennant, we hope. Well, Bridget hopes. Trojie has less fascination with Dr. Who in the nud.

'Of Cake And Stewed Vermin'

Part A

 

Disclaimer: Obviously, we don’t own any of these characters; if we did, we’d be a) rich and b) swanning about on a beach somewhere where there isn’t so much rain. Dave and Julie are property of Lady Alyssa and Random Dent, who also take credit for the original BagEnders, of course. The WI belong, presumably, to themselves; certainly we’ve no wish to claim them. All other characters belong to JRR Tolkien, who is probably bored of spinning in his grave by now, and may instead be bouncing from one end of it to the other, yo-yo style. The culinary masterpiece that is rat-and-ketchup belongs to the Great God Terry. The BBC belongs to itself, and we’ve decided that, if they can bugger up the schedule for sporting events that no one in the world cares about, we can bugger it up for convenient plot points. Many thanks to Cìara for checking this actually makes sense.

 

 

The ‘I Can’t Face A Christmas Without A BagEnders Special’

PseudoBagEnders Christmas Special

‘The Passage of the Fangirls’

Epilogue

Disclaimer; None of the characters herein are ours. The Fellowship, the Twins, Faramir, Eowyn and Eomer all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Dave is Lady Alyssa and Random Dent’s. The characterisation of the Tolkien characters is from LA and RD’s BagEnders, which we are trying to emulate.

Naturally, Dotsie, Sadie, various mangled lines, and general ambience are all either property of the Great Terry or inspired by him.

Anything Shakespearean is not ours. Anything ‘Buffy’ is not ours either, and we take no responsibility for the erratic programming of the BBC. Charlie Dimmock belongs to herself, as does James Marsters. Only in his case it’s a himself.

WARNING: Silly slash hints in this epilogue. Because we couldn’t resist. But they’re incredibly mild, so if you’re an avid non-slasher, don’t run away.

The ‘I Can’t Face a Christmas Without A BagEnders Special’

PseudoBagEnders Christmas Special

‘The Passage of the Fangirls’

Part Two C

Disclaimer; None of the characters herein are ours. The Fellowship, the Twins, Faramir and Eomer all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Dave, Sandra, and the Legolusters are all from Lady Alyssa and Random Dent’s slightly scary imaginations. The characterisation of the Tolkien characters is from LA and RD’s BagEnders, which we are trying to emulate.

Kirsten is still ours, as for some reason no-one’s decided to claim her. Dotsie and Sadie are of course property of Terry Pratchett, although their peacekeeping is a little less law-abiding in his world. Macbeth quotation owned by Shakespeare, although he’s unlikely to sue us for breach of copyright. Complete bastardisation of Faramir’s character inspired by Peter Jackson. We’re very sorry for the implication that Boromir is harbouring all sorts of nasty urinogenital ailments.

Important Note; This is A Tribute. We’re not LA and RD. We know this. We’re not even trying to be their ‘successors’ or anything of that kidney. We’re just pinching their characters/characterisations for a bit of fun. NOT that kind of fun, this is a clean episode.

Notes; Klinefelter’s Syndrome is mentioned herein. This is a genetic disorder wherein males have 47 chromosomes, with the sex chromosomes XXY. A man/boy with Klinefelter’s will display a positive chromatin pattern (that is, one X chromosome collapsed to form a Barr body, which is normally only exhibited by females), a narrow waist, breasts, and will most likely be sterile. *Trojie puts away biology textbook*

The ‘I Can’t Face a Christmas Without A BagEnders Special’

PseudoBagEnders Christmas Special

‘The Passage of the Fangirls’

Part Two B

Disclaimer; None of the characters herein are ours. The Fellowship, the Twins, Faramir and Eomer all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Dave, Sandra, and the Legolusters are all from Lady Alyssa and Random Dent’s slightly scary imaginations. The characterisation of the Tolkien characters is from LA and RD’s BagEnders, which we are trying to emulate.

Kirsten is still ours, as for some reason no-one’s decided to claim her. Dotsie and Sadie are of course property of Terry Pratchett, although their peacekeeping is a little less law-abiding in his world. Macbeth quotation owned by Shakespeare, although he’s unlikely to sue us for breach of copyright. Complete bastardisation of Faramir’s character inspired by Peter Jackson. We’re very sorry for the implication that Boromir is harbouring all sorts of nasty urinogenital ailments.

Important Note; This is A Tribute. We’re not LA and RD. We know this. We’re not even trying to be their ‘successors’ or anything of that kidney. We’re just pinching their characters/characterisations for a bit of fun. NOT that kind of fun, this is a clean episode.

Notes; Klinefelter’s Syndrome is mentioned herein. This is a genetic disorder wherein males have 47 chromosomes, with the sex chromosomes XXY. A man/boy with Klinefelter’s will display a positive chromatin pattern (that is, one X chromosome collapsed to form a Barr body, which is normally only exhibited by females), a narrow waist, breasts, and will most likely be sterile. *Trojie puts away biology textbook*

The ‘I Can’t Face a Christmas Without A BagEnders Special’

PseudoBagEnders Christmas Special

‘The Passage of the Fangirls’

Part Two A

Disclaimer; None of the characters herein are ours. The Fellowship, the Twins, Faramir and Eomer all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Dave, Sandra, and the Legolusters are all from Lady Alyssa and Random Dent’s slightly scary imaginations. The characterisation of the Tolkien characters is from LA and RD’s BagEnders, which we are trying to emulate.

Kirsten is still ours, as for some reason no-one’s decided to claim her. Dotsie and Sadie are of course property of Terry Pratchett, although their peacekeeping is a little less law-abiding in his world. Macbeth quotation owned by Shakespeare, although he’s unlikely to sue us for breach of copyright. Complete bastardisation of Faramir’s character inspired by Peter Jackson. We’re very sorry for the implication that Boromir is harbouring all sorts of nasty urinogenital ailments.

Important Note; This is A Tribute. We’re not LA and RD. We know this. We’re not even trying to be their ‘successors’ or anything of that kidney. We’re just pinching their characters/characterisations for a bit of fun. NOT that kind of fun, this is a clean episode.

Notes; Klinefelter’s Syndrome is mentioned herein. This is a genetic disorder wherein males have 47 chromosomes, with the sex chromosomes XXY. A man/boy with Klinefelter’s will display a positive chromatin pattern (that is, one X chromosome collapsed to form a Barr body, which is normally only exhibited by females), a narrow waist, breasts, and will most likely be sterile. *Trojie puts away biology textbook*

The ‘I Can’t Face a Christmas Without A BagEnders Special’

PseudoBagEnders Christmas Special

‘The Passage of the Fangirls’

Part One B

Well, they said the characters could be used by others, so we thought . . . well, why not? It’s Christmas, after all.

Disclaimer; None of the characters herein are ours. The Fellowship, the Twins, Faramir and Eomer all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Dave, Sandra, Julie and the Legolusters are all from Lady Alyssa and Random Dent’s slightly scary imaginations. The characterisation of the Tolkien characters is from LA and RD’s BagEnders, which we are trying to emulate. We could be said to own Kirsten, the Smallest Fangirl, but she’s not actually something we really want. If anyone wishes to claim her, she’s yours for a cigarette and a pint. All events portrayed herein are fictional (we hope; if not, the world is a far scarier place than we ever imagined), and are not intended to resemble any real events (as opposed to things we’ve seen on television or read in a book). Should anyone decide to sue us for this, then we hereby claim the concept of rigging up a generator to Tolkien’s rapidly revolving corpse as our own.

The ‘I Can’t Face a Christmas Without A BagEnders Special’

PseudoBagEnders Christmas Special

‘The Passage of the Fangirls’

Part One A

Well, they said the characters could be used by others, so we thought . . . well, why not? It’s Christmas, after all.

Disclaimer; None of the characters herein are ours. The Fellowship, the Twins, Faramir and Eomer all belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Dave, Sandra, Julie and the Legolusters are all from Lady Alyssa and Random Dent’s slightly scary imaginations. The characterisation of the Tolkien characters is from LA and RD’s BagEnders, which we are trying to emulate. We could be said to own Kirsten, the Smallest Fangirl, but she’s not actually something we really want. If anyone wishes to claim her, she’s yours for a cigarette and a pint. All events portrayed herein are fictional (we hope; if not, the world is a far scarier place than we ever imagined), and are not intended to resemble any real events (as opposed to things we’ve seen on television or read in a book). Should anyone decide to sue us for this, then we hereby claim the concept of rigging up a generator to Tolkien’s rapidly revolving corpse as our own.